Two months on

Factoid: I’ve never felt more comfortable and right as when attempting suicide.

The makeshift curtains made of bedsheets and towels once again bring me back to this pitiful existence. Where all I can admit to myself is that more than 2 months on, I am still struggling to find a reason to push forward beyond self illusion.

The pervasive feeling of alienation, like a track through nature. A subtle re-creation of risk, when in reality there is no way to get lost, no wildlife to pose any danger, and a hollowness through [which] one can explore ’life’ as it is presented to laypeople.

I am more than that. My home planet is lush. Rife with vegetation. My people, beautifully nested within the cradle of the jungle. The sound of water is always surrounding. To stray, everyone knows, would mean near-certain death. The dry only holds hostility for us. It holds vas flat deserts, monotonous grasslands, and the filthy cities abound of sunglasses and air-conditioned corpses.

The city pretends to care of such clear-cut distinctions. But every gaze I meet holds more hostility than the face of the most poisonous snake. This place is lawless, hopeless, and barely more than piles of bodies hoping for a breakthrough. A hero. A messiah. “someone” to be strong for the rest of “us”.

Here I am. Strong. Alone. Unmistakenly aware that this strength dissapears completely in the prescence of the other.

How distasteful it feels to be talked about by others who seem to lack a nuanced view of the world around them. Who meet every obstacle with fear, anger, and bluntness; as if progress can only be made by destroying even the beautiful, delicate things around it.

I have almost no memory of myself pre-incident, to me, it really feels as if I died completely. Not as a threat, theatricts, but an actual commital to suicide. Seeing the lack of understanding has once again sparked some flame in me of love and dedication of myself to my kin. To vow never to hurt, to delight in their company. To nurture and keep safe. To continue to keep them alive in the dreams we continue to make into reality. day. after. day.

gentleness. love. compassion.

continuing to be the last of our kind.

the lovers.