I haven’t seen you in so long. Looking into your eyes hurt me. I knew the truth but couldn’t accept it. Your unhappiness every day grew more and more.

Was it that boring? Was it that unsatisfying? I don’t even know who you are. Always a mirror, a reflection of all the things i couldn’t see within myself.

A slow withering rose, distorting your mirrored petals, the water i gave you grown putrid from the hubris of believing in your forever. I regret snipping you off your stem as a young bud, perhaps you could have had a chance to blossom.

I would die just to be the compost that makes sure your dreams aren’t disappointing. I want you to soar up to the highest clouds and never come down except as holy petals. The saviour of the hopes I sowed for you in my garden. Let the rest rot. I have not watered them in so long. I hope to next years crop will be fruitful enough to keep me alive. I can already tell next winter will be hard and summer hasn’t even begun yet.

Your self love, your aspirations, the daily joy you seek to garner; may the path be less gruelling, worn, and long without me. I hope the stones I laid in my garden and the path I paved ahead of you holds steadfast beneath your feet and provides you stability through your infinite journey. May the world love you as I have loved you. Feverishly, with fervour, always putting you first. May it hold you like I once used to: with the conviction to never let go. May it’s memory be better than mine and remember all the happiness past and also yet to come. May it sing to you songs that you can sing along loudly to. May it keep you safe every night. May it bring you new experiences that you can learn from without so much hurt. I hope the world understands you. May it’s light touch you, guide you, nurture you, and nourish you my angel flower.

May my eyes be able to glance upon your beauty when I die and sprout anew. I love you and always will. Even if we hurt each other so, the sting from our thorns were bearable, but deprived each other of room to survive. Go now. Grow now.

I've lost myself in every stitch of yours,
Your blackened eyes and painless expression leave me hungry for more.
Build a monument brick by brick, one kiss at a time,
my fists like hammers to break you apart,
my embrace to mold you into what I want.

You to be and I to have,
you to have and I to give,
you to give and I to take;

restlessly bound to each other by invisible thread
glinting in the gentle light	of the morning.

Past 6 months have been a hellhole tbh. Slowly declining mentally and physically until im not longer able to work at all. I’ve been coming out of it fairly recently. Slowly stepping through it all. The dissociative disorder, the depression and anxiety, the CPTSD, the autism; is all starting to become bearable. My body is re-learning to carry all the burdens that I could no longer hold. Overall, feeling a lot more me. Being poly -> |plural|?? has definitely opened new doors for me which I can use to explore myself and others. This has really lifted me up although I am conscious of [ex-gf]’s missteps more and more. I still remain forgiving and open to guiding her with a less tight grip.

Life is us guiding our bodies toward their inevitable death. We are the ferry, so to speak. And what we live is what we take into the afterlife. It is our treasure. Not the physical artefacts but the things they took with them also.

Grass lawns are the most esoteric reminder of living no matter what might happen to you, grass doesn’t stress over when it might be cut or burnt, it just grows and joins the circle of rebirth until it’s death and reincarnation as next step. BREAKING THE WHEEL ==? ENDING SWITCHES??

You’re a fucking joke, Honestly. Everything you can do I can do better. I can’t believe you get to be happy and mediocre.

I could swing from a rope for much longer than you. Look prettier while I cry. The marks on my neck would look more tender, and my eyes would match my red dress perfectly. Genuinely, Everyone would look in awe at how pretty my legs would look in the autumn air.

Truthfully, I fucking hate you. You disgust me with your clumsiness and half hearted efforts to make conversations. You feel like acid in my veins and splinters in my eyes. How can someone as stupid as you have lasted this long without being ripped apart and beaten in an alley? Go on, cancel your plans, stay inside, there’s no one who will miss you.

Sincerely,

Me

I want to murder you,
I want to murder you,
I want to murder you,
Yeah i want to murder you.

You're everything I am and more.
I can't stand that.
Nobody should be sadder than me.
Rip out your eyes to see,
The truth lies
within your heart.

Let me rip it out.
I will own every single part of you,
I will bear all your weight.
It hurts to be conscious of this.

Affection is a memetic hazard

Unravelling every stitch, mending every tear.
I pull it apart and find there is nobody there.
Nobody to listen to me, nobody to guide me through this path,
nobody who would hurt me nor comfort me, nobody with a past.

I rip it, I break it apart.
It does not scream, I know, it can't.
How can I trust it, what does it need,
all it does is sit there looking serene.

Every toy in the world could not replace it,
even though I know it is nothing but trash.
Waiting to fill a landfill for thousands of years,
until it turns into ash.

I never expected to look at a doll this way.
I care for it and sew it back up each day.
For it to be bitten, scratched and flayed.
By those it deems worthy of play.

Encased like a trophy;
worn intensely; still smiling at me.
Keeping the calm and its secrets,
amidst this midnight fire at sea.

Tonight, the nightmares encase me.
And it is too cold to get into bed.
The images replayed, everything already seen.
My body follows its script and crashes against the scene.

A doll is a doll is a doll whether alive or dead. My skin rips open, my hair
torn with no regret. I scream, and fall,
fall helplessly towards the welcoming eyes that stare straight ahead-

At me.
The one who couldn't speak.
The one who forgot everything.
The one who could never be.
Or finish anything.

To be so pure would surely look bad on me.
To be so calm would feel like hell within me.
It is not adoration nor lust of any kind.
My only mind is to seek and find,
the meaning of the galaxies within it,
in the moments before,
the boat burns
in the dead cold
of night.

The wood splinters melancholically, its glass shatters gladly,
the metal that	held shelves glitters in the dark.
The doll's fall is pristine.

A red coloured star collapses on the floor.

This doll is nothing but perfect.
Peacefully laying on the ground.
The myriad of particles encircle it,
moving so slowly toward it.

The bright white sun absorbs everything and goes supernova.

Human excrement, babies rotting, whale carcass chicken carcass, man screaming & baby crying at the same time

I wonder what it would be like to sit still for a thousand years.

Hiya, sorry for not being around. I kind of took two weeks off life & was feeling pretty low but I’m slowly coming back from it. How are you going?

I wrote a poem yesterday.
Then i realised it wasn't a poem at all,
it was the story of my life.
Every line I wrote I had written countless times before.
I dropped my pen, and as I walked into my life
every touch I had felt,
every stranger I had met,
every tear I had cried trillions of times,
every mistake led to the exact same consequences.

A lack of life does not lead to enlightenment,
yet I stopped feeling excitement.

Strip the universe, I've seen it all.
Stop the galaxies from spinning.
Turn off gravity.
Darken the sun.

Close the doors, I have opened them all.
Erase my mind.

I want to forget.

I am not going to kill myself.
I am not going to kill myself.
I am not going to kill myself.
It is all I wrote that autumn night.
Blinds open with nothing to see.
My mouth closed with so much to speak.

I never thouht I'd grow up to cry myself to sleep
and write poetry at night.
My future was so barren and empty,
a blank canvas on which I could never draw,
never see.
mine but which to own only by name;
a house with no walls is no house at all,
only a failed plan to be forgotten and lost in time,
repeated over and over again by lost words
written on paper. each scrawled in different order,
colours and fonts. but all telling the exact same story.

A lost childhood, lack of appetite, and a lonely gravestone
on which landfill will sit one day.

A lack of courage cannot be seen as a victory.
It is always the good that die and that much is a fact.
I wonder when I will be considered good, clean, and brave.
As for now I am a butterfly, melting away into a caterpillar,
endlessly starving itself from all nourishment and shrinking back into it's
egg.
never to be seen again.

My mouth opens and nothing is said.
The blinds close and the sun searches for me.
I am not going to kill myself.
I am not going to kill myself.
I am not going to kill myself.

Dear A,

I hope you are doing well, and I mean, really fucking well. This year of your life started out realy really well, you started becoming more social and actually presenting female and becoming happy with who you are. However, there was a slight hiccup on the socialisation side. No matter what, I know your relationship with [ex-gf] to be well and happy as it has been in the past 3 years because right now youre still madly in love with her.

I hope by now you have achieved your goal of coming out to family and also are on your way of being full time. If so, I am REAAALLY proud of you :3 , if not, that’s ok, I know I am definitely not ready now, so I understand. By now though, you should definitely be bomb at makeup and hair (maybe you even got that haircut that you wanted and you look super cute?). Oh and I hope your wardrobe is full of stuff that makes you look really good! Oh, and I think it will be interesting to see how your voice has changed!!

Your relationship with family has hopefully improved over this time as they realise more and more about your changing body and habits. (Right now you just painted your nails black for the second time and mum didn’t like the colours. Also Dad only just realised that you do your eyebrows recently too). I think they are becoming more tolerant and understanding and less aggressive/inquisitive so by now maybe your relationship with them is really good.

I believe that whatever progress you have made so far is great progress and that having this to read has made you remember how far you have come. I hope that all your friendships are all flourishing, happy HRT Annieversary, YOU BETTER BE TREATING [dog] WELL YOU BITCH…, aaand I hope that in your day to day you are still striving toward living a happy life.

All the best,

A

1 Looking into your eyes
2 Its 5 am
3 Theres something about them
4 Staring ahead
5 See the dead are rising
6 (Another day)
7 And I just lay there
8 "Go back to bed" --?
9 You say:

‐------------
1 All these people
2 Are never happy
3
4
5
6
7 This. Love
8 Is Different.

-------------
1 It's been a little rough
2 Slight decay
3 Smiles keep fading faster
4 It's not the same
5 But how could you ever regret
6 The bond we made
7 How could you lie for so long?
8 And leave me for them?

------------
1 Now you're not here
2 It feels like 10 years?
3 The sun's gone to sleep ?
4 For eternity.
5 I. miss.
6 the air outside
7 and it's all collapsing
8 In my mind

-------------
1 Dragging myself outside
2 I never found rest.
3 I'm carrying around the stink
4 of blood, cum, and sweat
5 I see you passing me by
6 You look your best
7 I stare into your eyes
8 You. peer. back. at. mine.
9 I say:

--------------'
1 If you could see
2 All my feelings
3 Broken dreams and
4 Silent tears i'm
5 Fucking drowning in
6 You. Still.
7 Wouldn't pull me out