July 30, 2023

Physics is cringe

Have you ever tried to spot a bird further than what you can see?
Practice expanding and shrinking your awareness.
From the smallest atom, to the universe itself,
to *you* as you feel it usually.
July 30, 2023

Marriage Day

We spent an eternity together today.
I cant wait to feel it all over again tomorrow.
How strange that the more we grow up the more we forget of what we learnt.
It's not tabula rasa, we are just distracting ourselves from the truth,
we are	all playing the game.
We are all already happy but cant be aware of that fact
with all the distractions of the world.



I understood why Siddhartha was said to be instantly enlightened
when he touched his hand to the ground.
In that moment he was one with the earth again,
just as he was as a child.
It	was all so simple, he was already doing it but didnt know it.
People are already happy they just don't realise that they are.
There is no such	thing as enlightenement.
July 30, 2023

Heaven, Las Vegas

Let's die and go together to heaven

—————————♡—————————
(the one in vegas)
we cant afford the real thing right now
but I promise I'll work hard to take you there one day,
and I'll make all your dreams come true...
—————————♡—————————
July 29, 2023

We need stories

I only understood native, aboriginal, and indigenous rights properly like only two years ago, we are going way too slow. We can’t keep forgetting the past. We need stories.

All in all, I just feel a tiny bit of existential dread and I’m just hoping that whatever humans are doing as a system is gonna work, I will do my best to play my part in fixing this, but I will not live under the grip of fear, change is always. change is constant. We have forgotten our own mortalities and feel as if we were entitled to live to 120 just because we were born in the future and thats long enough to forget about death for a while.

Either 1) people wisen up, listen to each other and cooperate 2) We die. One by one. We die. It’s that simple. Everyone should push forward as one, with a common goal of survival fast and soon, before it gets worse. We evolve with every generation, but that is much too slow. How do we grow faster? Connect with people and become aware of the life you’re living. How funny would it have been if buddhists arrived in australia before colonialism and suddenly they became an ultra badass spiritual society that embraced body and mind as well as the role of each one of us within the larger systems of life. They would live each day in peace. Knowing that they were all harmoniously in the system and the role each played to keep the system balanced.

As a system we can create those realities just as easy as we can individually imagine them. That’s what we lost through colonialism. Thats why I dont have any rituals or culture anymore. That’s why i feel so sad and angry. Thats why you need to understand.

July 29, 2023

Maybe everyone really should smoke weed? (Or) am I just the next messiah: a good looking maniac with a smile of gold and crossed fingers behind my back

Fuck what they taught us. Fuck what they made us fear. We are all manmade pollution. We are all climate change. Fuck your consumerist thought police state that is making me work so I can pay to slowly fix a HUGE fucking problem. Instead of just telling the truth and handling that shit like we are actually all going to be affected by it. We are all part of the system that is dying. The pretty birds you hear outside your window are probably a lot louder and live harsher lives than when you were a child because of all the trees you’re cutting down. Theyre screaming, and so is everything else around us, the whole universe is scared, this is for the future of humanity, not for one person’s financial gain, the death of capitalism, evolution, and being a self are all consequences of monopolies.

we are a macroorganism that is winning too good at being the greatest predator on earth and now the earth itself is dying and trying it’s best to keep itself alive within its own systems of solar systems, systems of galaxies, and systems of universes. Each one of your waking moments is a step in the evolutionary chain of consciousness. Dont get caught thinking about it too long for you too are a system. You only need to do what you know to do and pass it onto your future self. let the details of you moving your hand or imagining dissapear, let the detail of time and consequences dissapear. Let the detail of sadness and pain dissapear. Let the detail of your sense of self and thinking dissapear.

July 29, 2023

Letter to my 17 year old self

"I am so happy this would be the perfect day to kill myself" is a feeling I
hadnt come to me in a long long time.

Fuck the world and how badly it has treated us.
To treat thy neighbour with kindness is only going to keep fucking you up.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
FORGIVE YOURSELF.

THE LONGER YOU CAN BE ALIVE , THE MORE MOMENTS LIKE THIS CAN HAPPEN.
WHERE YOU CAN BE HAPPY. IT'S ALL WORTH IT.

EVERY SHITTY THING IS JUST ONE MORE STEP TOWARD JOY.

YOU CANNOT GIVE UP. YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP.


FIND YOUR JOY.


LIVE EVERY DAY IN PEACE AS YOU SHOULD, KNOWING THERE IS SWEET REWARD AHEAD.

NO NEED TO FIGHT. NO NEED TO LIE. NO NEED TO HURT,
TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF THE UNIVERSE UPON YOUR SKIN.


THE REWARD IS TRULY WORTH IT.



PEACE IS NOT FOUND IN DEATH.
July 24, 2023

Heaven

A genuine smile from you is delicious,
but not free.

I'll pay you with my eyes, I'll work for you with my tongue.
I'll slave away
a myriad of kisses, and toil with my hands until they stop working.
It's my life's passion to see you smile.
In that delight I'll whisper to you that it was no hassle at all.

I'm happy to leave with you,
Only words that the spirits will know is true,
And you will too.

Heaven isn't a place, it's a feeling.
July 19, 2023

Ronin dog

[QPP] and I decide to give our collar meaning: that we are our *own* masters
July 15, 2023

Hypocrisy

Sorry for backflipping at the last second every time we are about to meet. I think I have been pushing myself because long ago I made a promise to be your friend for a long long time but it seems that as actually meeting becomes closer to reality my body and mind instantly want to escape. I was cleaning my room last night and ended up reading a diary entry of when you got drunk and I had to drive you home. It was triggering then and it was triggering now. I cut you off, then over time tried my best to build my trust back with you but I just can’t. I’ve gone on and on about how people who you’re having relationships with should treat you, but never took my words seriously enough with you.

I’m scared of you because we were always out of control together and as much as we have grown and matured, I’m still terrified. I can’t control you, i know that, but when I’m with you I feel like I’m completely out of control too… and thats never going to change. I don’t think there are any other elements to us. I think this might be a good time to properly part ways and just leave things as neutral/positive as possible instead of making a complete mess of the situation and then not talking to each other for years, just to then do it all over again.

I’m really sorry again, it’s fucked I know, but this has to end. I think you’re doing well and I hope you continue to find happiness in life.

July 13, 2023

Bumble friends template

Heya, you’re super sweet and cute but it seems we kinda keep missing each other!

I think it might be best to go our separate ways with no hard feelings and if we end up coming across each other in the future then hopefully we sync a little bit better.

Hope that’s OK! And all the best :)

July 12, 2023

Thanksgiving

Thanks for allowing me to be kind to you.
Though your face is not near and your scent is long gone,
I still remember you, and am enthralled by your aura.
July 8, 2023

Nice to forget you: a goodbye to myself

i have never been this insane before.
i will never be this sane again.
I've discovered recursive universes within me.
the mellow parts of me carefully titrate my happiness,

The chaos flows wildly within, no dose high enough to destroy me.
The reaper within me seeks what comes naturally to all.
The elder, rendered useless by the pain in his bones and his mind.
The child in me finds it hard to forgive who I've become.
she made me promise it would be better than this.

a random carpark, a man staring at me, are you crazy? He shouts..
My therapist asking if I was the one making all that racket.
of course,! I had to prove something to them.
none of these people are alive.
none of them.
I'd claw my eyes out just to show them.

everyone is so desperate for something:
romance, patience, fun, trust, control, solitude.
i am not brazen enough to believe i am anything but identical
i am careful enough to trust somewhere deeper down
I'll be able to see it with	their eyes.

i am a fool for thinking I'm the first. but I won't be the last
finally it makes sense, like bricks and mortar,
i am the wall and the rubble.
i am the drought and the flood. the field and the seeds.
the memory and all of that which has and will be been forgotten.

i am the calm chaos. a drop of the strongest poison.
i am the first drop of cold rain on a hot summer morning.
July 1, 2023

Sweetness

I like that you smile with your teeth now, 

Though that smile doesn't point at me.

I gave it all in the fight for love, 

Died in it too, 

That's the bittersweet truth.

It was an idea that could never be. 

More people will see your beauty as you,

As you could in me.
June 28, 2023

Background noise

Hearing background noise like tv: inside my head. There are voices, tv show latin romantic comedies, Gregorian chants, seeing a face looking around . Need to send video of me and my dog to my grandma. Tv news emergency broadcast, crickets,

April 4, 2023

Work is a race

Work feels like a race I qualified to as a wildcard from a region with 1 decently funded team and then I’m playing against the regions with national programs for sport and only asking to be allowed to finish, even if you’re really far behind the pack, and they accepted as a token gesture but now im getting slower and slower and all the training im doing this season is only to keep up with my past self. Theres no chance I’ll cross the finish line.

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