Fuck what they taught us. Fuck what they made us fear. We are all manmade pollution. We are all climate change. Fuck your consumerist thought police state that is making me work so I can pay to slowly fix a HUGE fucking problem. Instead of just telling the truth and handling that shit like we are actually all going to be affected by it. We are all part of the system that is dying. The pretty birds you hear outside your window are probably a lot louder and live harsher lives than when you were a child because of all the trees you’re cutting down. Theyre screaming, and so is everything else around us, the whole universe is scared, this is for the future of humanity, not for one person’s financial gain, the death of capitalism, evolution, and being a self are all consequences of monopolies.

we are a macroorganism that is winning too good at being the greatest predator on earth and now the earth itself is dying and trying it’s best to keep itself alive within its own systems of solar systems, systems of galaxies, and systems of universes. Each one of your waking moments is a step in the evolutionary chain of consciousness. Dont get caught thinking about it too long for you too are a system. You only need to do what you know to do and pass it onto your future self. let the details of you moving your hand or imagining dissapear, let the detail of time and consequences dissapear. Let the detail of sadness and pain dissapear. Let the detail of your sense of self and thinking dissapear.

"I am so happy this would be the perfect day to kill myself" is a feeling I
hadnt come to me in a long long time.

Fuck the world and how badly it has treated us.
To treat thy neighbour with kindness is only going to keep fucking you up.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
FORGIVE YOURSELF.

THE LONGER YOU CAN BE ALIVE , THE MORE MOMENTS LIKE THIS CAN HAPPEN.
WHERE YOU CAN BE HAPPY. IT'S ALL WORTH IT.

EVERY SHITTY THING IS JUST ONE MORE STEP TOWARD JOY.

YOU CANNOT GIVE UP. YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE UP.


FIND YOUR JOY.


LIVE EVERY DAY IN PEACE AS YOU SHOULD, KNOWING THERE IS SWEET REWARD AHEAD.

NO NEED TO FIGHT. NO NEED TO LIE. NO NEED TO HURT,
TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF THE UNIVERSE UPON YOUR SKIN.


THE REWARD IS TRULY WORTH IT.



PEACE IS NOT FOUND IN DEATH.

A genuine smile from you is delicious,
but not free.

I'll pay you with my eyes, I'll work for you with my tongue.
I'll slave away
a myriad of kisses, and toil with my hands until they stop working.
It's my life's passion to see you smile.
In that delight I'll whisper to you that it was no hassle at all.

I'm happy to leave with you,
Only words that the spirits will know is true,
And you will too.

Heaven isn't a place, it's a feeling.

[QPP] and I decide to give our collar meaning: that we are our *own* masters

Sorry for backflipping at the last second every time we are about to meet. I think I have been pushing myself because long ago I made a promise to be your friend for a long long time but it seems that as actually meeting becomes closer to reality my body and mind instantly want to escape. I was cleaning my room last night and ended up reading a diary entry of when you got drunk and I had to drive you home. It was triggering then and it was triggering now. I cut you off, then over time tried my best to build my trust back with you but I just can’t. I’ve gone on and on about how people who you’re having relationships with should treat you, but never took my words seriously enough with you.

I’m scared of you because we were always out of control together and as much as we have grown and matured, I’m still terrified. I can’t control you, i know that, but when I’m with you I feel like I’m completely out of control too… and thats never going to change. I don’t think there are any other elements to us. I think this might be a good time to properly part ways and just leave things as neutral/positive as possible instead of making a complete mess of the situation and then not talking to each other for years, just to then do it all over again.

I’m really sorry again, it’s fucked I know, but this has to end. I think you’re doing well and I hope you continue to find happiness in life.

Heya, you’re super sweet and cute but it seems we kinda keep missing each other!

I think it might be best to go our separate ways with no hard feelings and if we end up coming across each other in the future then hopefully we sync a little bit better.

Hope that’s OK! And all the best :)

Thanks for allowing me to be kind to you.
Though your face is not near and your scent is long gone,
I still remember you, and am enthralled by your aura.

i have never been this insane before.
i will never be this sane again.
I've discovered recursive universes within me.
the mellow parts of me carefully titrate my happiness,

The chaos flows wildly within, no dose high enough to destroy me.
The reaper within me seeks what comes naturally to all.
The elder, rendered useless by the pain in his bones and his mind.
The child in me finds it hard to forgive who I've become.
she made me promise it would be better than this.

a random carpark, a man staring at me, are you crazy? He shouts..
My therapist asking if I was the one making all that racket.
of course,! I had to prove something to them.
none of these people are alive.
none of them.
I'd claw my eyes out just to show them.

everyone is so desperate for something:
romance, patience, fun, trust, control, solitude.
i am not brazen enough to believe i am anything but identical
i am careful enough to trust somewhere deeper down
I'll be able to see it with	their eyes.

i am a fool for thinking I'm the first. but I won't be the last
finally it makes sense, like bricks and mortar,
i am the wall and the rubble.
i am the drought and the flood. the field and the seeds.
the memory and all of that which has and will be been forgotten.

i am the calm chaos. a drop of the strongest poison.
i am the first drop of cold rain on a hot summer morning.

I like that you smile with your teeth now, 

Though that smile doesn't point at me.

I gave it all in the fight for love, 

Died in it too, 

That's the bittersweet truth.

It was an idea that could never be. 

More people will see your beauty as you,

As you could in me.

Hearing background noise like tv: inside my head. There are voices, tv show latin romantic comedies, Gregorian chants, seeing a face looking around . Need to send video of me and my dog to my grandma. Tv news emergency broadcast, crickets,

Work feels like a race I qualified to as a wildcard from a region with 1 decently funded team and then I’m playing against the regions with national programs for sport and only asking to be allowed to finish, even if you’re really far behind the pack, and they accepted as a token gesture but now im getting slower and slower and all the training im doing this season is only to keep up with my past self. Theres no chance I’ll cross the finish line.

I haven’t seen you in so long. Looking into your eyes hurt me. I knew the truth but couldn’t accept it. Your unhappiness every day grew more and more.

Was it that boring? Was it that unsatisfying? I don’t even know who you are. Always a mirror, a reflection of all the things i couldn’t see within myself.

A slow withering rose, distorting your mirrored petals, the water i gave you grown putrid from the hubris of believing in your forever. I regret snipping you off your stem as a young bud, perhaps you could have had a chance to blossom.

I would die just to be the compost that makes sure your dreams aren’t disappointing. I want you to soar up to the highest clouds and never come down except as holy petals. The saviour of the hopes I sowed for you in my garden. Let the rest rot. I have not watered them in so long. I hope to next years crop will be fruitful enough to keep me alive. I can already tell next winter will be hard and summer hasn’t even begun yet.

Your self love, your aspirations, the daily joy you seek to garner; may the path be less gruelling, worn, and long without me. I hope the stones I laid in my garden and the path I paved ahead of you holds steadfast beneath your feet and provides you stability through your infinite journey. May the world love you as I have loved you. Feverishly, with fervour, always putting you first. May it hold you like I once used to: with the conviction to never let go. May it’s memory be better than mine and remember all the happiness past and also yet to come. May it sing to you songs that you can sing along loudly to. May it keep you safe every night. May it bring you new experiences that you can learn from without so much hurt. I hope the world understands you. May it’s light touch you, guide you, nurture you, and nourish you my angel flower.

May my eyes be able to glance upon your beauty when I die and sprout anew. I love you and always will. Even if we hurt each other so, the sting from our thorns were bearable, but deprived each other of room to survive. Go now. Grow now.

I've lost myself in every stitch of yours,
Your blackened eyes and painless expression leave me hungry for more.
Build a monument brick by brick, one kiss at a time,
my fists like hammers to break you apart,
my embrace to mold you into what I want.

You to be and I to have,
you to have and I to give,
you to give and I to take;

restlessly bound to each other by invisible thread
glinting in the gentle light	of the morning.

Past 6 months have been a hellhole tbh. Slowly declining mentally and physically until im not longer able to work at all. I’ve been coming out of it fairly recently. Slowly stepping through it all. The dissociative disorder, the depression and anxiety, the CPTSD, the autism; is all starting to become bearable. My body is re-learning to carry all the burdens that I could no longer hold. Overall, feeling a lot more me. Being poly -> |plural|?? has definitely opened new doors for me which I can use to explore myself and others. This has really lifted me up although I am conscious of [ex-gf]’s missteps more and more. I still remain forgiving and open to guiding her with a less tight grip.

Life is us guiding our bodies toward their inevitable death. We are the ferry, so to speak. And what we live is what we take into the afterlife. It is our treasure. Not the physical artefacts but the things they took with them also.

Grass lawns are the most esoteric reminder of living no matter what might happen to you, grass doesn’t stress over when it might be cut or burnt, it just grows and joins the circle of rebirth until it’s death and reincarnation as next step. BREAKING THE WHEEL ==? ENDING SWITCHES??